2025-04-25_the burning house

i really don’t know how i feel right now. there is a lot of energy in my body at this moment in time. a lot of it is anxious. is this me? is the thing i just said about myself, that i just shared with a select number of people, is that me? was it the right decision? should i have waited longer? what effects will it have? why do i feel like i have to commit so badly? that i can’t/shouldn’t go back once i’ve said it? the answer to the last questions is clear at least in part: patriarchy. i feel surrounded by it, here in my room, here in my body, here by myself. what can i think that doesn’t go in that direction? what can i do to not go in that direction? what can i become to not become like that? the cluelessness i feel when considering these questions is a testament to how ubiquitous it is… and here the monster comes to save me once again: i want a way out. that is where i can go. sometimes the way out is the only way to take. and patriarchy is very much like a burning building, so why not run out at full speed, heels over head? if you don’t have the fireproof equipment of a body deemed able to perform patriarchal masculinity and that doesn’t see too many issues with said performance, you have very little choice really. leave, or burn. you may burn and die in a quick flash of violence, or burn to ashes over an entire lifetime. but you will burn. they’ll make sure of it. no use trying to wield the flames against also/more flammable others either. you and i both know that we’ve all been doused with gasoline from the very beginning. some of us as wombs to be used, abused and reclaimed at all costs if they ever dare try to choose a different path, the rest of us as freaks to be disregarded and let die quietly and in vain at best, and to be mutilated and murdered to set an example at worst. if we stay in the burning house that is patriarchy, we’ll all die of suffocation and/or burnt flesh and organs eventually. some faster than others, granted. but is that the goal? to be the last piece of flesh to be seared? No. it can’t be. it’s. time. to. get. OUT.